horror/harmony

so many perspectives.
so many viewpoints.
a mind at war
with its own thoughts
no, not at war,
waking up.
to a sun-drenched spring
again.

first steps on snow-free pavement
a freshness in the air
so i found out i'm introverted
as if i didn't really know it
already.

how am i supposed to walk
forward into
i don't know.
i don't know anything so i
watch zombie tv-series
to imagine what it might feel like
to not even need to care to know
these things
these perspectives
at war with zombies
instead of thoughts
abstract monsters vs. concrete.

trust is trying to build up
and negativity and arrogance is
poison.

how can you say that you know what i should do
when you met me five minutes
ago.

and me -  how can i say
what i'll do when i feel like i only want to
play fallout 3.

i am light

and i have seen it.
oh.
oh.
oh.

it is a light that burns. burns burns burns.
but i would gladly drown in it if-

no. no. no.
not anymore. no.


i

i know
i know
i know

and yet

i can't stop being scared.

and perhaps that is why i know.

and it hurts.
but there's nothing i'd welcome more.

for every little bit that hurts there is this light
shining over it all

so in the end

oh.

it's exactly what i wrote about.

a love that is kind of like a sun so bright that
the shadows are pitch black.
and yet, there is light everywhere, even in the shadows.

so actually, they don't even matter.

and what i wrote before, about the shadows being safe. that... the light was dangerous.
it is all coming full circle. that was how it was.
this is what it is.

and it will be what it will be.

i get it now

and i know that you won't even appreciate the amazing view you have and the way you can see the sun move through the sky for the whole duration of the time it takes for the sun to go down because you always just sit there with the blinds drawn because the sun disturbs your computer screen and i remember the times i sat on the balcony always alone and sometimes i would tell you "hey check it out, the sunset is so beautiful tonight!!" and you would come and watch it for a second and say "wow, you're right, it is quite beautiful!" and then go back to work and i didn't mind because i thought it was nicer to sit there alone anyway and that of course you have the freedom to choose what's most important to you and well for you i guess it is gaining more technical knowledge and well there's really nothing wrong with that either, that's not what i mean, but i mean that now that i don't feel obliged to appreciate your needs i honestly can't say that i care that much and i can't forcefully make people enjoy sunsets because that talent has to come from within the people themselves and well i guess everyone just doesn't have that kind of talent and that's fine but it makes me so proud of myself that i do have it because for me it is so important, well, maybe just one of the most important things even, to be able to enjoy all these small special moments we have in life and i realize that i'm not even obliged to teach other people this kind of appreciation of life because i guess people appreciate different things anyway so my talents really aren't dependent on others but still now that i've had a taste of just simply sharing small, precious moments with someone i realize that oh my god it's even more amazing than the view we had because i can just lie there in his room and listen to him strum on his guitar and singing so softly it makes my heart all raw but i don't even mind the pain of my raw heart because it's the most extreme, exquisite pain that in fact is such great happiness that it boils over in pain and therefore it actually is the most wonderful pain i've ever felt and i welcome it with an open heart and i don't even mind that my heart is tired and i don't think about the things i think i know anymore because it is more important what i know in my heart, and trust me, this i know, and in his room, i don't even care about what the view is like because i can just stare at his wall and how the lights that he has pointing upwards because he thinks the light is more interesting that way , how those lights make the curtains give exceptionally beautiful shadows that remind me of the waves of the sea and his curtains aren't drawn and well i guess that wall is the most beautiful wall i've ever seen even though it's really nothing but a plain white wall because it's his wall

i am a storm-chaser

and that is why i have to teach myself how to stand
further away

watching form a distance.

and sometimes

he can't forget you
you're quite a find
in my mind i
see how he gets you
to close your eyes
kiss the skies

you race down the stairs in the morning
a kiss in half promise, half warning

why would you bother to hang around?
even for some time, now
there will be others to frown upon
if it turns you on

but he's got the worst taste in music
if i didn't know this i'd lose it

but he's got the worst taste in music
if i didn't know this i'd lose it

if there only was this kind stone giant on the mountain that would watch over me

walked on the mountain close to where i live. saw a face in the cliff, said hello. hello child, he said back. the kind stone giant residing there. i tried to draw him, but it wasn't the same. the lines thwarted by my shaking hands. insecurities, always insecurities. and the stone giant looked down so kindly and sighed. so stable so calm there in the mountain. while i can barely keep my arms from flinging this way and that. or my heart. jumping, jumping. ouch. jumped into a wall that i couldn't see. now that i see, i try to avoid it, but no use. no use... my heart, it likes to jump into walls. an adventurer, perhaps. or only restless. but i choose to see it as hopeful as well. a child, an adult, or something between. in delirium in delirium in delirium and lorde sings i live in a hologram with you and that's exactly how it feels. hyperreal. surreal. we'll see.

cleaner's poem

tired legs
tired mind
slow thoughts
falling behind

but it's alright
but it's ok
as i don't have anything to say

i just want to clean it all
then go back home and
fall.

some kind of cathartic experience
to push and pull out old feelings so tense
and suddenly nothing and all it makes sense
and i don't even care if i'm becoming dense

so many people
so many lives
a cleaner - a shadow - moving through
and she sighs

tomorrow it's friday
oh, i will drink beer
these busy weeks
make my weekends seem freer